Right here's a correct story of my experiences of relocating to South Florida a number of years ago. The memos are (nearly) totally accurate. Names were changed to shield the guilty.
To: Cathy Goodwin
From:Agony Arms Rental Houses
Welcome to Agony by the Sea! We are so content you've selected to rent from us. You'll adore our stunning grounds, our completely-equipped fitness center and our sparkling swimming pools. The residents are a friendly group and we know you will love meeting them at our several social events. Enclosed are brochures proclaiming our commitment to Superior Service High quality. We are certain you will be content right here.
Just before you move in, we need to have to have the after monies in certified dollars. A handful of drops of blood on the contract would not hurt either.
Cathy Goodwin - Apt 501.
Safety deposit $750
Non-refundable pet charge $400
Pet deposit $400
Processing charge $75
For your comfort, right here are numbers for electrical energy, phone, newspaper and that all-critical cable service. Please arrange to turn them on Ahead of you arrive.
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
Now that you have arrived to move, and all your utilities are hooked up, right here are some documents for you to sign. Even although it is ninety degrees and your cats are roasting in the vehicle, you should sign every thing now Prior to we provide you the keys. We deny any liability for everything that might occur, on or off the premises, in connection with Agony Arms.
Notice those documents are blank. We will fill in the amounts following you sign them all and send you copies so you are going to know what you signed.
P.S. Right here's your personal own card for the Agony Arms Gate. If you lose this card, we fee you $50. And right here's your personal windshield sticker with your personal quantity. We recorded this quantity in your file. Never lose it!
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
Final Friday night I attempted to acquire into the fitness center. It was locked. Do not all Agony Arms residents have access to this a lot-advertised facility?
To:Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
Surprise! Ahead of you can use the fitness center, you need to spend a $50 deposit for a key. Bring your dollars for the duration of workplace hours: 9-5 Monday in the course of Friday,.
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
My publisher just told me they sent a large package 3 weeks ago. Somebody called Andrea Addled signed for it. Exactly where is this package now? Why hasn't A person known as me?
And, much more significant, what occurred to the cookies that my very best friend sent a month ago? They had been supposed to be a surprise.
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
Recall all these papers you signed right after you moved in? Properly, we incorporated a waiver of liability from every thing linked with packages in any way, like our personal gross negligence. Our Attorney, Massive Tony, had many fun with this one.
Our definition of Superior Service does not involve notifying the residents of packages as they arrive. That's the duty of UPS, FedEx or what ever carrier the sender chooses. We propose you propose people today to send you packages only by US Mail, as the mail carriers will not let us anyplace near their packages any longer. The Postal Inspectors are much significantly less forgiving than the UPS drivers.
You could come acquire your packages in the course of our workplace hours, which had been decreased to ten-5 Monday-Friday.
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
My publisher is furious since I missed a deadline. Rather of cookies I got a package of crumbs and a thank you note from the ubiquitous Florida ants. The nearest post workplace is 5 miles away.
Then once more, perhaps I might stroll down there and receive some physical exercise. The fitness center, which is guarded with these $50 keys, was vandalized and none of the machines work. The downstairs speakers are broken. As an alternative of fixing them, you play the upstairs speakers more loud. And the music is so awful that practically everyone wears earphones to drown it out.
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
I am afraid we have so numerous tenants we just cannot be bothered to telephone them every time a package arrives. We began out as a handful of fourplexes and saw no explanation to add employees as we extra a handful of hundred far more units.
On the other hand, if you Don't want to have us acquire packages, we will accommodate your wishes. We will go throughout each and every day's shipment, verify for your name, and refuse to accept every thing addressed to you. In other words, we are prepared to pay time and power to deny you service, but not to present you any service in the very first place.
As for the fitness center, no one else has complained. We choose music that most individuals love. Earphones? They are almost certainly listening to a stereo version of the radio station we chose for the speakers.
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
Final evening the tenant beneath me blared his stereo so loud the floor was shaking. He did not answer the door when I knocked. That is when I discovered that the only Safety right after six PM is a minimum-wage rent-a-cop who could not hear me over the celebration in the guard shack.
Just out of curiosity, why do you offer us windshield stickers if no one patrols the grounds?
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
Some points are mysterious and unknowable.
To: All Tenants
From: Agony Arms
To update our database, we will need to know your parking sticker quantity, your vehicle's license quantity, your unit, the day your lease expires, and your astrological sign. We want a list of authorized guests as Effectively as the explanation of their take a look at: small business, social or household. If you Never return this kind to us in 5 days, you could not be permitted on the home even if your lease is paid in complete.
Note that residents of Agony Arms can not be out of town for additional than 3 days, due to the fact we have to have to be able to send you surprise notices at all instances. And we will need to retain track of your guests. Assume of us as your housemother, not your landlord.
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
When I turned in my type, I noticed some new brochures announcing a non-refundable "redecorating charge" as aspect of the Safety deposit. Is this anything new? Or are my eyes nonetheless recovering from deciphering the questionnaire that was printed in 6-point form on vibrant turquoise paper? I enclose a acquire Properly card for your data entry clerks.
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
Did not you study the fine print on the sales brochures in the lobby? Aspect of your Safety deposit is certainly non-refundable. Accurate, we did not say everything when you viewed the house or signed the lease. Having said that, this is the type of factor that everyone is anticipated to recognize.
To: All Tenants
From: Agony Arms
OK, who changed our sign from Rental Properties to State Prison? Never let us catch you.
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
I came property Friday night to obtain a note on my door accusing me of Failing to Spend a Pet Charge. Sounds really like anything out of Persons's Court, which is Exactly where we might end up very quickly. Due to the fact I had to present certified cash Ahead of moving in, I Think that your very aggressive "leasing consultant" checked the amount as Effectively as the kind of my verify.
Even if I owed this funds, do you extremely Assume a hand-scrawled note taped to the doorknob Friday morning, demanding payment by 5 o'clock Friday night, delivers the "professionalism" and "Superior Service" that you hold promising?
Your note says if I Don't spend up I'll be regarded delinquent and my credit destroyed forever. Do not you ordinarily send a bill initial? Do not any of the other tenants ever work previous 5?
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Manager, Agony Arms
Oh, silly me! Our bookkeeper just got carried away and created a tiny error. I am positive you can overlook this minor inconvenience.
Please note that the redecorating charge covers the tiny issues we do to make the apartment prepared for the subsequent tenant: shampooing the carpet, scrubbing, and so forth.
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
Your gung-ho leasing consultant told me that the pet deposit is supposed to cover replacing the complete carpet, not just shampooing. Apparently even one particular cat hair is enough to render the whole apartment unsuitable for the subsequent tenant.
Do you plan to shampoo the carpet Ahead of you throw it away?
Anyway, the lease says I'm supposed to leave the apartment in the situation I discovered it. What does that leave you to do? There is no proof that all the things was decorated in this apartment in the Final ten years, let alone re-decorated.
Oh yes, attached is a copy of a water bill which came out of nowhere. My lease does not say every little thing about paying a water bill. Correct, buried in all the documents I signed below duress, I identified a line about authorizing you to add utility payments to my bill on thirty days notice. No notice, no verify. End of discussion.
I appear to pay a lot more time defending myself against bogus bills than carrying out every thing else. Why Never you change your slogan to Agony Arms, the work-developing neighborhood?
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Agony Arms
As we mentioned Just before, some items are mysterious and unknowable.
To: Leasing Agents
From: Manager, Agony Arms
Who let this lady into Agony Arms? You happen to be supposed to screen out tenants who can spell "duress," let alone these who know There's an Lawyer Basic in the State of Florida. How did we slip up?
To: Cathy Goodwin
From: Manager, Agony Arms
Certainly There is a extra suitable property for you someplace in Broward County, elsewhere in the State of Florida, or even Central America. We hear Mongolia is good, also. Just offer you us a small notice, pack up your cats, take your deposits, and go. We'll assist you pack.
To: All Tenants
From: Agony Arms
Henceforth we will no longer retain parcels far more than a day. If you occur to be operating on the day your package comes, you are outta luck! Your package will be returned to the sender Just before you can say, "Call house!"
We have no social events scheduled for the month of December, right after the pattern established in July, August, September, October and November. Nonetheless, our month-to-month Pest Manage go to remains as scheduled. The exterminator is a good guy, and Pest Handle can be regarded a social event in South Florida.
As Christmas approaches, we are grateful for every single of our tenants. Every single of you is a blessing and we hope you remain a long time. In reality, if you suggest a new blessing who indicators a lease, we will enter your name in a drawing for a prize -- one month's absolutely free rent!
We're not desperate or almost everything. We just hope you are going to share your Agony Arms experience with as various persons as doable!
To: Agony Arms
From: Cathy Goodwin
I am outta right here.
Please offer my sincerest condolences to my replacement, as Nicely as this far more set of earplugs to cope with my stereo-loving neighbor. You can bet I will share my experience a great deal.
Signed,
Cathy Goodwin
Your blessing in Apt. 501.
And now I invite you to understand how to move the correct way! Take a look at http://www.RelocationStrategy.com and download Developing the Major Move: Modify Relocation Into a Inventive Life Transition. From Cathy Goodwin, PhD. http://www.midlifecareerstrategy.com
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