Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

1. "Education is worth a entire lot. Just believe - with sufficient education and brains the typical man would Build a great lawyer - and so would the typical lawyer." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
2. "It is foolish to bet on a horse with out speaking to him initial. I know it appears silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but It is no sillier than asking anybody else." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
3. "Develop a much better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
4. "Initial you neglect names, then you neglect faces. Subsequent you neglect to pull your zipper up and lastly, you overlook to pull it down." -- George Burns
5. "Really, it only requires 1 drink to buy me loaded. Difficulty is, I cannot keep in mind if It is the thirteenth or fourteenth." -- George Burns
6. "For forty years my act consisted of 1 joke. And then she died." -- George Burns
7. "Happiness is possessing a massive, loving, caring close-knit loved ones in one more city." -- George Burns
8. "Good to be right here? At my age It really is Good to be anyplace." -- George Burns
9. "Anytime four New Yorkers invest in into a cab collectively without having arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." -- Johnny Carson
10. "Democracy signifies that any person can develop up to be president, and any person who does not develop up can be vice president." -- Johnny Carson
11. "Happiness is your dentist telling you it will not hurt and then obtaining him catch his hand in the drill." -- Johnny Carson
12. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and wealthy meals." -- Johnny Carson
13. "The only point income offers you is the freedom of not worrying about income." -- Johnny Carson
14. "Constantly finish the name of your youngster with a vowel, so that while you yell the name will carry." Bill Cosby
15. ""Never worry about senility," my grandfather utilised to say. "Though it hits you, you will not know it."" Bill Cosby
16. "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has particular feelings for the ones who eat broccoli." Bill Cosby
17. "Obtaining a kid is certainly the most beautifully irrational act that two men and women in love can commit." Bill Cosby
18. "I wasn't Constantly black... There was this freckle, and it got larger and larger." Bill Cosby
19. "Immortality is a extended shot, I admit. But someone has to be very first." Bill Cosby
20. "I love becoming married. It really is so excellent to discover that 1 particular particular person you Wish to annoy for the rest of your life." -- Rita Rudner
21. "I love to shop following a poor partnership. I Do not know. I purchase a new outfit and it tends to make me feel far better. It just does. Occasionally I see a In fact excellent outfit, I will break up with somebody on objective." -- Rita Rudner
22. "I believe guys who have a pierced ear are far better ready for marriage. They've skilled discomfort and purchased jewelry." -- Rita Rudner
23. "I Wish to have kids whilst my parents are nonetheless young sufficient to take care of them." -- Rita Rudner
24. "I wonder if other dogs feel poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
25. "Guys hate to lose. I as soon as beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex once more?" He stated, "Yes, but not collectively."" -- Rita Rudner
26. "I Generally did effectively on the essay queries. Just place almost everything you know on there, possibly you are going to hit it." -- Jerry Seinfeld
27. "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug firms see the public." -- Jerry Seinfeld
28. "On the side of box of my superman costume it Truly mentioned - 'Don't try to fly!'" -- Jerry Seinfeld
29. "Men and women who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to." -- Jerry Seinfeld
30. "The Four Levels of Comedy: Build your close friends laugh, Develop strangers laugh, Invest in paid to Construct strangers laugh, and Create persons speak really like you due to the fact It really is so a lot entertaining." -- Jerry Seinfeld
31. "Everywhere is inside walking distance if you have the time." -- Steven Wright
32. "I purchased some batteries, but they weren't incorporated. So I had to invest in them once again." -- Steven Wright
33. "I stayed up all evening playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full residence and four persons died." -- Steven Wright
34. "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?" -- Steven Wright
35. "An individual sent me a postcard image of the earth. On the back it mentioned, "Want you were right here."" -- Steven Wright

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